First and foremost, any connection with another person is a relationship. This can be romantic, yes, but it also includes any relationships related to work/business, friendship, or even acquaintances, connections with others that are not profound or well developed yet. A relationship is a partnership. While not everything needs to be 50/50, there does need to be a balance between you and the other person that allows you both to contribute to the relationship while still maintaining your own identities.
This is where things get muddy sometimes.
If you struggle with self-esteem issues or have misfiring communication problems (talking too much or not sharing enough), you can easily find yourself lost in a relationship, not understanding your role or who you are in the relationship.
This is where showing up for yourself in a relationship comes into play. How do you do this? Do you know your worth and role in the relationship? How is your communication? Are you able to stay calm and firm when negotiating aspects of the relationship? Here are a few ideas you can implement today to make a difference in your relationship dynamics.
UNDERSTAND YOUR WORTH & ROLE
Do you feel like you’re always “giving in” or that your ideas are not as good or important as others? Maybe you second guess more often than just in a relationship without even realizing it.
Understanding your worth and role in a relationship is one of the best things you can do to make sure that the dynamic is what you need. We all have needs going into a relationship, but if we don’t know our own needs, then communication isn’t even a factor. When you engage in a relationship, the other person is also needing something from you – can you identify that? Sometimes that helps us to better understand ourselves, when we look at the relationship from a different perspective. Remember, in a relationship, you’re an important piece of the puzzle.
If you’re still struggling to understand your value, try doing a value analysis. Brene Brown has a great activity that helps you to not only list out and identify what is important to you, but better understand how and why those values are important. Everyone has different experiences in life that shape our values, making them justifiably important and unique.
Once you’ve identified these, don’t waver! Other people see your contribution to the relationship as something they need or want – don’t change because the other person is on a different page or see’s things from a different perspective. Hold true to yourself and be confident in your values and how it shapes your worth in a relationship. There is only one of you on this big planet – embrace the uniqueness of who you are.
COMMUNICATION & BOUNDARIES
Communication can be looked at as the foundation of any relationship. If you cannot get on the same page, speak the same language, there is no opportunity for connection. There is a reason so many books are written on how to communicate effectively, or classes are taught on this subject, heck, some people even study for years at universities trying to figure out how to effectively communicate! If it was easy, our world would be such a different place.
Relational communication takes not only the vulnerability to open up, but also the strength to express yourself. This is why understanding your worth and not wavering is so important to solidify first. It’s normal to want a relationship to always calm and delightful – but we’re humans with different ideas, opinions, experiences. Sometimes you might even go out of your way to please another person to keep the peace. This can be ok in small amounts, but you should never continually sacrifice your own needs or wants to avoid rocking the boat. This is where boundaries come in (such a larger topic – see next blog).
We set boundaries to protect ourselves. Can they keep others out? Sure, but their main purpose is to make sure that we’re honoring our values and worth. When setting boundaries in communication, this can look like saying “no” when we don’t have the time, energy, or desire to do something. The way others respond in a relationship is what makes setting boundaries difficult. If you’re not confident in your worth, you’re likely not communicating your worth, and so setting boundaries will be ten-times more difficult. If you’re confident in your worth and have clearly communicated what you stand for to others, then setting boundaries is easier (not easy, but easier) because others know where you stand.
Those things matter, and the other person in the relationship needs to see that. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard and for that person to better understand you. One of the best bets you can make is to open up and let others better understand who you are. Sometimes it backfires, yes, but don’t let that stop you. It wasn’t the right fit (remember – the word is HUGE!! There are people out there who want to know someone like you – don’t let a few bad interactions stop you from opening up.) When we’re able to be vulnerable and open up in a relationship, in a healthy way (with boundaries) the rewards are unparallel and worth the risk every time!