When it comes to relationships, boundaries are extremely important. This is a topic that I will be breaking down because it spans so many different angles and applications. I’ve had a lot of clients ask why we need boundaries. This question is worded many different ways: I don’t understand why I need to set boundaries. Won’t boundaries hurt the relationship? What if the other person doesn’t agree with my boundaries? I’m a Christian, doesn’t setting boundaries go against being a good Christian? I don’t want to push that person away, so maybe setting a boundary is not a good idea.
Many people, including Christians, believe that having boundaries is unloving, selfish, and even sinful. But it absolutely is not! The whole concept of boundaries actually comes from God – we can see this throughout the bible, starting with the first line: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and Earth.” He goes on throughout to define himself as a distinct and separate being (physical). He then takes responsibility for mental and emotional boundaries by telling us what he thinks, feels, allows, will not allow, and likes and dislikes, etc.
If you’re not a believer, then let’s look at this a different way. When large estates are built, there is usually some sort of boundary built around the estate – a wall, a fence, space/land, etc. The purpose is not to necessarily keep people out, but to protect the estate (sometimes this means keeping others out). This symbolism should apply to our relationships as well. Setting boundaries are meant to protect us, not hurt others or keep them out.
We cannot expect others to respect our boundaries if we do not enforce them. Oftentimes we feel guilty if we follow through with our boundaries because the other person doesn’t understand or agree with them. This does not mean that boundaries are bad. God demonstrates enforcing boundaries by confronting sin and allowing for the consequences of a person’s choices (Genesis 3).
People start to experience problems like feeling overwhelmed, guilty, exhausted, anger, resentment, and many other negative problems when boundaries are not set and enforced. These feelings and thoughts often lead to negative consequences that come out in behaviors, like uncontrollable rage, addictions, abuse, and self-isolation.
We set boundaries in our relationships to protect ourselves from these feelings and behaviors. When we set boundaries, we’re clearly laying out that things we feel responsible for, the responsibility of the other person, what we’re not responsible for, and what the other person is not responsible for. When the boundaries are clearly set, there is safety, which then allows for vulnerability and an opportunity for the relationship to develop on a deeper level.
If you would like to learn more about having healthy boundaries and how they can help you live a more fulfilling life, please call me at 402-800-0801 or email me here. I would love to help you!
