Road Mapping Change
A few years back I was told that there is an absolutely, scientifically correct way to tie shoes. My mind was blown. This means that a study had to have been done to discover this. When I looked at the chart and explanation of the proper way, I realized I was not doing that. No wonder my laces came undone sometimes. I tried to learn this new way, tried to implement it, but I can guarantee you today, years later, I am still tying my shoelaces the WRONG way that I learned when I was a child.
Which brings me to my point. As humans, change is difficult. A person can receive a life-threatening diagnosis, and change habits for a day or two, with very good and important intentions, but if we follow up with that person a few months down the road, chances are they have slipped back into old habits or dropped the newer, healthier habits they vowed to keep.
Changing how our brains work, and approach things is one of the most challenging things we can do. Our brains are truly magnificent machines that run on autopilot (most of the time), keeping us safe (most of the time), but how and when it’s working is something we can be very aware of and in charge of.
Good Intentions
So, while we have good intentions for change, we run into things that stand in our way because of our past experiences and the road map we’ve already created in our brain. If I know how to tie my shoes, and it works successfully 90% of the time, why should I learn a new way?
If I hate stepping out of my comfort zone and connecting with new people, and I’m ok with that 75% of the time, why should I do anything different? If I’m happy 40% of the time, isn’t that enough and better than all the time? Why should I evaluate things I could do differently – they’re not going to be easier, and they will maybe be so challenging that they will make me more miserable.
I just wrote the word “if” so many times. So let’s keep going with it.
What if the 10% of times your shoelaces fail involves tripping and injuring yourself so badly you end up in the ER or permanently injured? Suddenly you want to know how to scientifically tie them, learn it, master it, so that 10% no longer is a possibility.
How might look if you put yourself out there to connect with someone new, went through the awkward, uncomfortable challenges of being vulnerable, and you met someone, (or better yet, people) who not only valued you (as you should be), but also understood and saw you in ways you never could have imagined? How would that change your life and how would you look at that 75% now? I would be willing to bet 75% was actually an overreach, because authentic connections that improve our lives give us a whole new perspective – one our brains (that are on autopilot) often cannot even fathom. This easily applies to the happiness at 40% of the time as well.
Implementing a Plan
So now what? We know that changing how we think is going to be difficult, so how do we go about it? First thing is taking stock of what you want to change. Do not set yourself up for failure and challenge yourself to change so many things that you get frustrated and quit altogether. Make a list, prioritize, and when you prioritize, set yourself up for SUCCESS by changing the “easiest” one first. Remember tying shoelaces? That should be easy to change, it’s a non-issue, most of the time, but it absolutely takes a lot of intention focus and work to change a routine.
Give yourself grace and forgiveness when you do slip up. If you are truly doing this for yourself (and you should, because if it’s for anyone else it’s an extrinsic reason, and those rarely stick for long), then you should be your own biggest support because you know what your end goals are. Pick yourself back up and dig back into the work. Learn from what set you back or sent you back down the path of ‘auto pilot’ that you’re trying to rewire.
No one can change you for you, just like you cannot change others. You have to do the work. It’s your brain – own it. Become the master of your domain. It’s quite rewarding and becomes exciting to see how things around you start to fall into place and follow suit after you start making small changes.
